The Exercise of Love: If You Don't Use It, You Lose It

Creating Emotional Muscle Memory

By Melisha Franks, Registered Psychologist · Learn Heal Thrive

What Is Love, Anyway?

A noun?

A feeling?

A verb?

Yes.

And also… not quite.

Because love is not just something you feel. And it's definitely not something that just happens. In fact, when we "fall in love," what we're often falling into is a cocktail of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin.

So what else is love?

Let's call it what it is:

• Love = a release of neurotransmitters (dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin)

• Love = a sensation (because of the release of neurotransmitters)

• Love = a feeling (connection, being seen, being held, being cherished)

• Love = a choice (even when we don't feel like it or without the flood of neurotransmitters)

• Love = an action (the behaviours we demonstrate when we make choices)

• Love = a memory (our memories of all of the above)

  
  

And here's where it gets uncomfortable (and important):

Love is not always a feeling or a sensation. It isn't always butterflies fluttering in your stomach, a heart racing with excitement, or your body vibrating with anticipation. The hard truth is that love matters most as a choice.

Love Is a Decision (Especially When You Don't Feel Like It)

It's easy to love when things feel good. That is, when YOU feel good and you can see that your partner is in a good mood. Love is easy when you're laughing. It's easy when you feel heard, seen, understood. And, when your partner is being… their best self. Wait, what? My partner has to be their best self for me to feel loved you ask? If we are honest with ourselves, yes. We feel more loved when our partners are at their best: happy, personable, kind, regulated.

But what about when you're angry? Or when your partner is angry? Or when you both feel resentful?

Because you will be. And so will your partner. And in those moments, love stops being a feeling… and becomes a decision. A decision about how you will respond and behave toward your partner when triggered.

You can:

• Get loud and argue back

• Shut down and withdraw

• Blame and attack

• Deflect

• Project

Or…

You can:

• Feel your anger

• Name it

• Get curious about your triggers and start to re-author

• Regulate your body

• Choose to have an honest, open conversation

• And then choose to connect with respect and care

That's love.

Not the highlight reel version or the romantic movies we irrationally fall for and believe. No, it's the real life version of love.

💡 This is exactly the work inside Relationship Super Powers — learning how to choose love when your nervous system is screaming at you to do the opposite.

Love Is an Action (Not a Vibe You Wait For)

First, you choose.

Then, you act.

That's the order.

Not: "I'll act loving when I feel loving."

But: "I will act loving because I chose this relationship."

And it's really difficult to love when you get triggered, your amygdala is screeching at you, and you are in fight or flight. It's hard to remember to love (or behave with loving actions) when you feel attacked, hurt, or defensive.

And here's the part most people forget:

Love is also a memory. You have to remember why you chose this person. What you love about them. What made you commit to this person. This is why you stay.

And then, this is key, you act on that again. And again. And again.

If You Don't Use It… You Lose It

I said this in a recent video:

We exercise every day.

We brush our teeth every day.

We eat every day.

We feed our pets every day (because… obviously).

But your relationship? Somewhere along the way, we decided that our relationship can just… run itself.

It can't.

If you don't feed your body, it weakens. If you don't move it, it loses strength.

And if you don't nurture your relationship?

It atrophies.

Let's Talk About Atrophy

Atrophy is what happens when something isn't used. It's a weakening, a shrinking, or a disintegration of something, like a muscle that shrinks when it is not exercised, and then strength decreases and function declines.

This is what happens in relationships when we stop feeding them. Slowly. Quietly. Almost unnoticeably. Until one day you go "Wait… what happened?"

It's insidious.

It's not usually (or at least not always) a dramatic collapse but often a slow decline where connection isn't prioritized and busyness becomes the new norm. More decline as friendships, gaming, doom scrolling, and extra hours at work are now part of daily living. Intimacy fades like a distant memory that flickers when the soft melodies of your favourite song plays or on an anniversary. And then the flicker dims into darkness as resentment and frustration burns away any possible connection.

Your relationship becomes cold and distant, but deep inside is a heat that is definitely not desire.

💡 If this slow disintegration has already led to a deeper wound, like betrayal or broken trust, Healing Betrayal Trauma Wounds was built for that specific recovery work.

Your Relationship Is Not a Crockpot

Let me say this clearly:

Connection does not stay warm on its own. Neither does desire. Neither does love.

You don't get to:

• Stop checking in

• Stop being curious

• Stop putting in effort

…and then feel shocked when things feel distant. Or feel the boil of resentment and wonder what happened.

I read this the other day:

"Don't leave your coffee alone for too long and then be surprised that it's cold… I'm not talking about coffee."

Exactly.

Why are you surprised?

Most Couples Don't Fall Out of Love

They fall out of the release of neurotransmitters mentioned above. They stop date nights and adventures (looking forward to new and novel experiences assists with the release of dopamine). They stop spending quality time and being present with each other, leaning into connection and happiness (the release of serotonin). And then they stop touching each other and physical and sexual intimacy fade (allowing for the glorious release of oxytocin).

They stop paying attention. They stop choosing each other in the small moments. Not the big, dramatic ones. The tiny ones:

• The check-in

• The eye contact

• The "how was your day, really?"

• The reaching toward instead of turning away

That's where love lives. In the small moments. But these small moments are meaningless if ego takes over.

And that's where it slowly disappears if you're not careful.

Go Back to the Basics

If things feel cold, don't overcomplicate it. Go back to what works:

• Be curious

• Be present

• Turn toward each other

• Actually see your partner again

Spend time together.

This is the exercise of love. Daily reps. Not when you feel like it. Not when it's convenient.

Daily.

Love Is Built Like Muscle

You don't build strength by going to the gym once. You build it by showing up over and over again.

Same with love.

Desire, connection, friendship, trust… they don't sustain themselves. They are built. Maintained. Strengthened. Nourished.

Prioritized.

Or neglected.

And when they're neglected? They don't stay the same. They fade. They weaken. They get cold. Maybe they die.

The Science (Because Yes, It Matters)

This is where it all weaves together beautifully.

When you choose love and act on love:

• You create anticipation and excitement → dopamine

• You create physical connection and closeness → oxytocin

• You settle into contentment and emotional safety → serotonin

And the best part?

You don't just feel it once. You build emotional muscle memory. You train your relationship to return to connection.

Again.

And again.

And again.

So… What Are You Practicing?

Because that's the real question.

Every day, you are practicing something in your relationship.

• Distance… or connection

• Criticism… or curiosity

• Avoidance… or presence

• Estrangement… or intimacy

You don't get stronger by accident. And neither does your relationship.

And there are NO shortcuts in practice.

Hmmmmm. What do you mean there are no shortcuts? I can't just flick a switch or push a button? Run through the drive through for a quick snack of connection?

To be fair, we are a culture of convenience. We literally have everything at the tip of our fingers, so why not relationship intimacy, connection, repair?

Because you cannot rush the growth of deep intimacy. It's a commitment worthy of time, focus, and heart.

And then your relationship will thrive.

Want to Stop the Disintegration of Your Relationship?

If you're ready to stop going in circles and actually rebuild connection in a practical, grounded, doable way, check out my Relationship Super Powers Course.

This is where you learn how to:

• Build curiosity

• Strengthen empathy

• Practice real validation

• Reconnect when it actually matters

With deep care for your relationship.

Melisha Franks Registered Psychologist · Learn Heal Thrive

🌿 Not sure where to start? Grab the free Interrupt the Negative Cycle workbook — a small first rep in the exercise of love.